So, I mentioned in a previous day that the Lord has highlighted to me that I have problems with 'asking.' Interesting that this topic would be the focus of day #24, so soon after the Lord brought it to my attention. Asking for other people, no problem. Asking for some things like, for God to show up at homegroup, or for Him to heal Destiny when she is crying out in pain the the middle of the night with an ear infection, or even for him to help me when I'm stressed... I have no problems asking for those things. Asking for something that I feel I simply can not live without... feeling utterly needy (again)... feeling as if I will die if He doesn't intervene on my behalf... that thought terrifies me. You see, I have been there. And, I totally felt like I was dieing when I had to say goodbye to my little boy. I have asked in the past, been more desperate than I can put into words, begged, prostrated myself MANY MANY times over a certain thing... and have not received what I asked for. Does this mean God is not faithful? Does this mean that I should not ask again? Did God mess up? Did I?
Here is what I am coming to understand... not just in my mind, but in my heart. I did not ask like the man in this parable. I don't know that I could have helped it, but the reality was that I felt I needed a certain answer from God, more than I needed God himself. I had no problem believing that God could answer my prayers, but there defiantly came a point in my painful trials that I was more desirous to be done with the hardship (and have the outcome I felt I needed) than I was of God's eternal purposes. And, so were most of the people in my life. I don't even feel condemnation about that... it is just where I was for many years. What I wanted was (and is) not bad, but apparently, it just wasn't what God wanted for us.
So now, with some miles between me and the culmination of Daryn and I's conflict over having children, God is taking me through a season of healing. He has challenged this part of my heart that has vowed never to get so desperate again, never to feel like I need something that bad again, that part of my heart that has just given up hope and filed that whole desire in a compartment marked, "DANGER... DO NOT LET OUT!" It's filed in this dark, dead part of my heart, voluntarily locked away with a resolution that "I don't get this, I can't figure this one out. How can God and Daryn love me... yet have put me through what they did? Yet, I have to live. I have to stay married to this man. I can't do life without God. So, I've just got to set this aside and move forward." What else could I do to cope? Only, neither God nor I am content leave my heart this way. I am ready now to face this thing and piece by piece process it with the Lord. I want to be made whole again. I want to love God with ALL of my heart, mind and strength. I want to love my husband with ALL of my heart again too. I am ready for the lies I am believing about all of this to be dispelled. I am ready to hear the truth from Jesus. Not only am I ready, I am desperate for this... but guess what. I have to ask. This time, I am asking like the man in this story. Well, I guess there is one difference between me and this man... he didn't know if Jesus wanted to heal him or not... I am sure Jesus wants to heal me. I ask myself, why am I so sure? Because I know that is what He came to do (Ish. 61)!!!
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Today's devotion spoke to my heart. I especially loved the" Praying Gods Word Today". It was basically a prayer version of one of my favorite songs -one of my anthems. All you musical people probably know this one...
ReplyDeleteHear my cry, Oh Lord
attend unto my prayer
from the ends of the earth
will I cry out to thee
and when my heart is overwhelmed
lead me to the Rock
that is higher than I
that is higher than I
When we cry out to Him, he hears us and knows our pain. Whatever His answer to our cry may be, He is with us. We are never alone.
Wow, ladies. Thank you so much for sharing.
ReplyDeleteCoreen, I will tell you that God highlighted the exact same struggle in me: that when I ask, I ask with expectations. And a lot of times my expectations are based on what *I* feel I need, which is often based in lies about Him and His character instead of trust. As a result, I did some honest confessing and praying for a change of heart.
And as someone who loves you, I am excited to see what God does with your sincere prayer for healing. You're right...He DOES want to heal you.
I know God is good, I know He loves me, I know He's in control. But everything in my life that is of any consequence to me is colored by Him not rescuing us from our financial need. When the end of the month is coming and I know we can't pay our mortgage or HOA dues, I have a hard time reconciling all this. I know in my head what the correct answers are, but that honestly doesn't correspond to my heart. When I was working at the credit union and people would call in to apply for loans and we'd see their debt-to-income ratios, I'd judge them and say, "wow. they're totally living above their means. they can't afford that home or that car or those credit cards. now they're asking for more? how foolish." And though that was my job to make that assessment, and that assessment was accurate, I now wonder, are we being foolish to stay in this house that we can't afford anymore? What about the car we can't afford? Should we give it back to the bank and walk away? Move in with our parents 4 hrs away? It doesn't look like any jobs have opened up anywhere else, but the well's dry here. What do we do? When all along I know all He has to do is flip whatever divine switch is keeping all our hard work from amounting to anything, and BAM we're back in the normal stream of things where one or two jobs pays our bills instead of half a dozen not paying them, and we see each other more than twice a week. I feel like I can ask all day, but my faith in Him answering (at all) or even caring is really struggling.
ReplyDelete